The Single Girl's Guide to Getting Love Wrong - First Dates

First dates happen everyday, worldwide. So everyday, you can be sure someone will be doing something to embarrass themselves on one of them. Making a good first impression is so hard, especially with a guy you actually like. So instead, get it wrong, and avoid ever having to make the effort to go on a successful first date ever again.

How to ruin a first date can often depend on where the date is, but there are a few techniques that will work anywhere in order to shock and offend.

• Never open any door. Whether it’s to a car, from a car, or into the place where your date is being held, chivalry will only last so long these days. A man will get pretty tired of opening every door for you pretty quickly. (N.B. The one exception to this rule is the toilet door.Unless you really want to push your date to the limit.)
• Never pay for anything. Don’t even offer. This man has decided he wants your company for the evening. So he can pay for the cab, the dinner, the film, the coffees, and anything else. Maybe even try and convince him to give some change to someone collecting for charity. It will really annoy him when you just walk off without digging in your purse.
• Always talk about yourself. Don’t ask him any questions about him, and always turn conversations back around to you. You may come off a little big headed but you’re trying to make a bad impression.
  

Some men will try and impress on a first date by taking you to a restaurant. This is a great first date for you as you end up with a free dinner. If you’re wanting to lose the man before dessert, here are some ways to shake things up.

• When you arrive at the restaurant, just ask if this is really the place where you’re eating. If you can make a face like you've smelt something bad at the same time this technique will pack a bigger punch. For maximum impact, save this for if the restaurant is particularly fancy, as it will make you come off as very high maintenance.
• Order the most expensive thing on the menu. It doesn’t even matter if you don’t like it, order it anyway and then send it back when you get it. If nothing is particularly expensive, order a lot. I'm talking starters, a main and a few sides, wine, soft drinks, coffees, desserts and the cheeseboard. You wont need to eat again for days, and he'll have to buy a house just to remortgage it to pay the bill.
• The opposite to above, be extremely picky. Infact, only order chips. Everything else is too fancy and has far too much nutritional value for you to want it. You only eat beige food anyway.
• Eat like a pig. Stuff as much in your mouth as you can, and if possible talk through your food. Bonus points for spitting crumbs on the table and double bonus points for landing some in his drink.
• Don’t order a dessert if he offers, but get him to order one. Then, ask for an extra spoon, and when his dessert arrives eat at least half, if not more. You couldn’t possibly have eaten a whole one anyway could you?
  

If the man is trying to show his fun side, he may take you somewhere like a bowling alley on a first date. The potential to make this date go wrong is pretty huge, it all depends on how far you’re willing to push yourself and your date.

• Show off your competitive streak, even if you don’t have one. Get really serious about the game, and every time you make a good shot celebrate loudly, possibly with an embarrassing dance. If you manage to win, get right up in his face and celebrate, just to rub it in.
• The opposite to the technique above, show no enthusiasm at all. Make sure whenever it's your turn you pick up any ball, shuffle your way to the lane in your borrowed shoes, and drop the ball with little effort. Then return to your seat without waiting to see whether you knocked down a single pin. Concentrating more on your wine than the game is certain to get old pretty quickly.
• Every time you make a shot, complain about how heavy the ball is. Complaining about the bowling shoes you purposely ordered two sizes too big just to complain about them (not that he knows that) will also achieve the desired level of annoyance.
• Bowl backwards. It's a mistake some people make - where you let go of the ball at the wrong time and it heads disasterously towards the people keeping score. Normal people may make this mistake once. Just make sure you do it more than three or four times to cause your date the maximum amount of embarrassment.
  

You may think the cinema is quite a difficult date to go wrong as you basically sit in the dark and don’t talk to each other. There are however still a few major faux pas you can make in cinema etiquette in order to make sure you don’t get invited to the sequel.

• Talk. Whispering through the adverts at the start is often forgiven, but talking through the trailers is bad and talking through the film is even worse. So do this as much as possible. Annoying questions to ask are ‘Who’s that?’ as soon as a new character walks into the scene, and ‘I thought he was dead’ when you know too well that there hasn’t been any death anywhere in the plot. If you really want to ruin your chances, research the film's ending before you go. Then as soon as the film starts, turn and say "Oh, this is the one where (insert spoiler here)" loud enough so that not only your date but the whole cinema can hear. Then grab a pen, and write your name in his bad books.
• Use your mobile phone. Not only will the brilliant white light from the screen annoy your date, it will also annoy many people around you. Leave your phone on loud and get your friend to text you throughout the film. You could even get said friend to call you, although you do run the risk of being hurt by other cinema goers as well as your date.
• Don’t buy any snacks before hand but eat as many of his as you can. Similar to the dessert tip for a restaurant, this can be tailored to suit any date where junk food is involved. Once you've eaten all of his snacks, ask him to go and get some more. It's during the film, but surely he'd miss the chase scene he's been waiting to see for weeks to get you some maltesers and a blue slushy thing if he liked you enough?
  

Dates are difficult, and the effort you put into making a date go well can be simply exhausting. So save yourself the trouble and employ as many of the tips above as possible. You could even combine a few to see which repel men best. If however, you try out every technique in the blog and this guy still wants you around, more drastic action must be taken. So, next week's edition of The Single Girls Guide... will be all about the relationship, and just what to do to make sure you keep it on the wrong track.

Until then, keep getting it wrong! Love TSG xxx

The single girl's guide to love - how not to meet men

LOVE - it's only four letters. Two vowels, two consonants. And I still find it amazing that one little word can cause so much mess, stress and undress. There are many ways that love can go wrong. The fact that there are so many hurdles to jump before you even fall in love is an indication of just how wrong it can go once you've got it. You've first got to find someone to love you (as long as you're not too scared), then there's first dates, first kisses, first meetings of parents. Then the big 'C' word - COMMITMENT - rears it's ugly head and things get really scary.

The next few blogs will attempt to deal with a few different aspects of love, from how not to find it to how not to keep it. No matter how far into the L stuff you are, there should be techniques here suitable to ruin any relationship or hopes of one.

How not to meet men

Staying In

Staying in your house is the most effective way I've found of never meeting a man. Or anyone else new for that matter. It also means you avoid the issues that come with going out, these mainly being hair, make up and outfit decisions. The only outfit requirement is either pyjama or jogging bottoms and a comfy t-shirt, and the only decisions you have to make are what DVD to watch and what wine to drink first.
N.B: Delivery men do not count if you order takeaway such as pizza or chinese. They are there to deliver. If necessary, don't make eye contact.

Going Out

There are quite literally hundreds of places you can go, day or night, in order to not pick up a man. Some examples include health spas, hair salons or gay nightclubs. Please note that there is always the chance you may run into a man or multiple men in these locations. Experience tells me though that the chances these men will be homosexual are fairly high (the latter location especially).

Going out to places such as gyms, bars or non-sexually orientated nightclubs makes not meeting men tricker. The task becomes more about avoiding contact with the men rather than avoiding being in the same space as them. There are many successful avoidance techniques you can choose to employ in any of these locations, and below are a couple of tried and tested methods.

• Don't look at them. It sounds simple, and it is. You can look down, look only at your friends, or look around the men. You can even close your eyes, although this may be more acceptable if you're having a vigorous dancing sesh in a club rather than at the bar. So, pretend the men aren't there, but be wise and choose appropriate moments to take it to extremes. You don't want to be labelled narcoleptic when you're not.
• Scowl. The polar opposite of the above, and it achieves similar results. Scowling at any man who walks past or near you or your friends will let them know that they really shouldn't approach you. Throw them a truly poisonous look if one decides to bump into you, even if it is apparently 'by accident'. Again as above be careful when taking it to extremes - too much scowl = either 'I'm sleepy' or 'I forgot my glasses and can't see who you are'.

These techniques may not work on every man. Even after employing them, some men may not pick up on the subtle signals you are giving out. If the situation arises where you realise you are being approached by a man, don't panic and quickly move away. The female toilet is always a good place to escape to. If you're out with a group of friends, immerse yourself in conversation with the whole pack. This will make sure the approaching male does not have the opportunity to speak. Also, only the most confident (or drunk) males have the ability to approach a large group of women alone, so safety in numbers!

Sometimes the approaching man can happen too quickly and before you know it you're being asked if you're having a nice night and if you'd like to grab a drink. Some women may feel that all is now lost and their mission to not meet a man has now failed. Those women would be wrong. A few simple lines can ensure that you still go home alone with no new numbers in your phone and the only warm meat in your lap being your kebab in the taxi home. This is really all about preference, so try them out and see which one works for you.

• "I'm sorry, I don't speak English." This line said in perfect English will confuse the man long enough for you to move away.
• "Oh, it's you. Why didn't you call me after the other night? I can't believe you even have the nerve to come over and speak to me!" Flouncing off after this speech may be necessary if you can see the man thinks he's never met you before. He hasn't after all, but normally if he think he's done something bad and that he just can't remember he'll move away from you without too much more provoking.
• Throw your arms around the man and shout "Oh wow, hi! I haven't seen you in ages!" Then look him straight in the eye, and whilst feigning embarrassment explain you thought he was someone else and am now far too embarrassed to talk to him. Then move away.
• For particularly persistent men, take the hand of your nearest girlfriend and just say "Sorry, I'm taken" whilst holding out your joined hands for him to see. This one is tricky as if you live in an area where everyone knows everyone you could get yourself and your unsuspecting friend a lesbian label that you weren't intending. Use your intuition, and if necessary save this one for nights out that are further a field.

Some times we may have to face facts girls - there could be a guy that you start talking to that you actually like. And he likes you. And he would like to get to know you a bit better. Never fear my singleys, there are many ways to epically screw this next situation up so you're never bothered again. And with that, next weeks blog shall be The single girl's guide to love - first dates.

Keep getting it wrong! Love The Single Girl (TSG) xxx

The single girl's guide - an introduction

Welcome to the first blog from The Single Girl's Guide...

I thought it was worth giving a brief introduction into why I've decided to start writing this blog, and just what you can expect from the blogs to come. I guess the easiest way to start is to tell you a little bit about me. I'm 24, live in England, and work a 9 - 5 job in an office. The job has nothing to do with the degree I completed last year (that got me into mountains of debt), and so every day I wish I was doing something else. I live at home with my Dad as I can't afford to live anywhere else, and I have now been single for the past three years. As I put all of this into print it makes me want to go and eat the last of the Ben and Jerry's ice cream that's in the freezer. Then I'll get out my DVD copy of The Notebook and have a good selfish "why me" cry. However, the reason I'm not hot-footing it to the kitchen right now is because I think about the hundreds, if not thousands of girls across the country who are in a similar position to me - and that is my reason for writing this blog.

It's a hard time to be a single girl. We're living in a world where having the perfect job with the perfect house and the perfect partner seems to be incredibly important. Yet for most of us this scene, appealing as it is, is nothing more than a modern day myth. There doesn't seem to be a day that goes by where I don't spill something, trip on something that isn't there, or say something idiotic in front of the wrong people. None of us are perfect, neither should we have to be.

These blogs will eventually cover a whole range of topics - from love to lifestyle, fashion to passion - and give all you single girls out there the perfect tips on exactly how to get it wrong. So I urge you to sit in your comfiest chair, grab a packet of chocolate biscuits and enjoy The Single Girl's Guide To Getting It Wrong. Then please, forgive yourself for eating the whole packet of biscuits. We all know if you're going to do something wrong, do it right...