The single girl's guide to love - how not to meet men

LOVE - it's only four letters. Two vowels, two consonants. And I still find it amazing that one little word can cause so much mess, stress and undress. There are many ways that love can go wrong. The fact that there are so many hurdles to jump before you even fall in love is an indication of just how wrong it can go once you've got it. You've first got to find someone to love you (as long as you're not too scared), then there's first dates, first kisses, first meetings of parents. Then the big 'C' word - COMMITMENT - rears it's ugly head and things get really scary.

The next few blogs will attempt to deal with a few different aspects of love, from how not to find it to how not to keep it. No matter how far into the L stuff you are, there should be techniques here suitable to ruin any relationship or hopes of one.

How not to meet men

Staying In

Staying in your house is the most effective way I've found of never meeting a man. Or anyone else new for that matter. It also means you avoid the issues that come with going out, these mainly being hair, make up and outfit decisions. The only outfit requirement is either pyjama or jogging bottoms and a comfy t-shirt, and the only decisions you have to make are what DVD to watch and what wine to drink first.
N.B: Delivery men do not count if you order takeaway such as pizza or chinese. They are there to deliver. If necessary, don't make eye contact.

Going Out

There are quite literally hundreds of places you can go, day or night, in order to not pick up a man. Some examples include health spas, hair salons or gay nightclubs. Please note that there is always the chance you may run into a man or multiple men in these locations. Experience tells me though that the chances these men will be homosexual are fairly high (the latter location especially).

Going out to places such as gyms, bars or non-sexually orientated nightclubs makes not meeting men tricker. The task becomes more about avoiding contact with the men rather than avoiding being in the same space as them. There are many successful avoidance techniques you can choose to employ in any of these locations, and below are a couple of tried and tested methods.

• Don't look at them. It sounds simple, and it is. You can look down, look only at your friends, or look around the men. You can even close your eyes, although this may be more acceptable if you're having a vigorous dancing sesh in a club rather than at the bar. So, pretend the men aren't there, but be wise and choose appropriate moments to take it to extremes. You don't want to be labelled narcoleptic when you're not.
• Scowl. The polar opposite of the above, and it achieves similar results. Scowling at any man who walks past or near you or your friends will let them know that they really shouldn't approach you. Throw them a truly poisonous look if one decides to bump into you, even if it is apparently 'by accident'. Again as above be careful when taking it to extremes - too much scowl = either 'I'm sleepy' or 'I forgot my glasses and can't see who you are'.

These techniques may not work on every man. Even after employing them, some men may not pick up on the subtle signals you are giving out. If the situation arises where you realise you are being approached by a man, don't panic and quickly move away. The female toilet is always a good place to escape to. If you're out with a group of friends, immerse yourself in conversation with the whole pack. This will make sure the approaching male does not have the opportunity to speak. Also, only the most confident (or drunk) males have the ability to approach a large group of women alone, so safety in numbers!

Sometimes the approaching man can happen too quickly and before you know it you're being asked if you're having a nice night and if you'd like to grab a drink. Some women may feel that all is now lost and their mission to not meet a man has now failed. Those women would be wrong. A few simple lines can ensure that you still go home alone with no new numbers in your phone and the only warm meat in your lap being your kebab in the taxi home. This is really all about preference, so try them out and see which one works for you.

• "I'm sorry, I don't speak English." This line said in perfect English will confuse the man long enough for you to move away.
• "Oh, it's you. Why didn't you call me after the other night? I can't believe you even have the nerve to come over and speak to me!" Flouncing off after this speech may be necessary if you can see the man thinks he's never met you before. He hasn't after all, but normally if he think he's done something bad and that he just can't remember he'll move away from you without too much more provoking.
• Throw your arms around the man and shout "Oh wow, hi! I haven't seen you in ages!" Then look him straight in the eye, and whilst feigning embarrassment explain you thought he was someone else and am now far too embarrassed to talk to him. Then move away.
• For particularly persistent men, take the hand of your nearest girlfriend and just say "Sorry, I'm taken" whilst holding out your joined hands for him to see. This one is tricky as if you live in an area where everyone knows everyone you could get yourself and your unsuspecting friend a lesbian label that you weren't intending. Use your intuition, and if necessary save this one for nights out that are further a field.

Some times we may have to face facts girls - there could be a guy that you start talking to that you actually like. And he likes you. And he would like to get to know you a bit better. Never fear my singleys, there are many ways to epically screw this next situation up so you're never bothered again. And with that, next weeks blog shall be The single girl's guide to love - first dates.

Keep getting it wrong! Love The Single Girl (TSG) xxx

The single girl's guide - an introduction

Welcome to the first blog from The Single Girl's Guide...

I thought it was worth giving a brief introduction into why I've decided to start writing this blog, and just what you can expect from the blogs to come. I guess the easiest way to start is to tell you a little bit about me. I'm 24, live in England, and work a 9 - 5 job in an office. The job has nothing to do with the degree I completed last year (that got me into mountains of debt), and so every day I wish I was doing something else. I live at home with my Dad as I can't afford to live anywhere else, and I have now been single for the past three years. As I put all of this into print it makes me want to go and eat the last of the Ben and Jerry's ice cream that's in the freezer. Then I'll get out my DVD copy of The Notebook and have a good selfish "why me" cry. However, the reason I'm not hot-footing it to the kitchen right now is because I think about the hundreds, if not thousands of girls across the country who are in a similar position to me - and that is my reason for writing this blog.

It's a hard time to be a single girl. We're living in a world where having the perfect job with the perfect house and the perfect partner seems to be incredibly important. Yet for most of us this scene, appealing as it is, is nothing more than a modern day myth. There doesn't seem to be a day that goes by where I don't spill something, trip on something that isn't there, or say something idiotic in front of the wrong people. None of us are perfect, neither should we have to be.

These blogs will eventually cover a whole range of topics - from love to lifestyle, fashion to passion - and give all you single girls out there the perfect tips on exactly how to get it wrong. So I urge you to sit in your comfiest chair, grab a packet of chocolate biscuits and enjoy The Single Girl's Guide To Getting It Wrong. Then please, forgive yourself for eating the whole packet of biscuits. We all know if you're going to do something wrong, do it right...